Having just moved into a new home, the treasures and practicalities of my life are partially unwrapped and still finding their places. This is a time when so much of my "insides" are "out" as I witness anew symbols of what has formed my life to this point. In this I recognize an invitation to reflect upon the past that is in my present....and thus potentially release my future. What did I need then that I may not need now? What still supports me?
I notice that it's not just the house details that are unsettled and still finding their place; I also notice movements and changes within the home of my body-being. Rhythms of living and working are more formless than formed. So much is new that even what is familiar has shifted in its tones, shades, and sensations.
In the midst of all that feels chaotic, I continue to check in with myself moment to moment, "here I am." I breathe and repeat, "here I am."
Amidst the tumble of debris, heaps of rocks, and streaming water is a shining crystalized particle of ice.
Here I AM.
Right here, this is my Gift.
Gift
I have to trust what was given to me
if I am to trust anything
it led the stars over the shadowless mountain
what does it not remember in its night and silence
what does it not hope knowing itself no child of time
what did it not begin what will it not end
I have to hold it up in my hands as my ribs hold up my heart
I have to let it open its wings and fly among the gifts of the unknown
again in the mountain I have to turn
to the morning
I must be led by what was given to me
as streams are led by it
and braiding flights of birds
the gropings of veins the learning of plants
the thankful days
breath by breath
I call to it Nameless One O Invisible
Untouchable Free
I am nameless I am divided
I am invisible I am untouchable
and empty
nomad live with me
be my eyes
my tongue and my hands
my sleep and my rising
out of chaos
come and be given
W.S. Merwin, from Writings To An Unfinished Accompaniment (1973) and The Essential W.S. Merwin (2017, Copper Canyon Press)
Amidst chaos, here I AM; a Gift.
photos: me, March 2017 (taken almost exactly a year ago from today), High Peterskill trail, Shawangunk Mountains, NY.